all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
