Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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