Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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