No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
