he was CRYING into my vagina
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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