I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
