I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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