its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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