why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
