Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
