bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
