I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
