At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
