Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
