you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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