Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
