I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
