I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
