"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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