I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
