you're like a bully in the Christmas story
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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