I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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