He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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