Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
