There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
