Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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