Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
