Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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