he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
