I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
