So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
