My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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