I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
