Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
