i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He did a backflip because drugs
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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