Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
