Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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