it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
