cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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