you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize