corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
