I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
