Duck Duck Cougar?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
