I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
