i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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