my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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