I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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