Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
