omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
