I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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