Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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