I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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