best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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