I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize