Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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