got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
