I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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