he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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