It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize